If they were Olympians…

Eberron 2012

Yes, sometimes I have way, WAY too much time on my hands. Watching a fair amount of Olympics coverage got me to thinking, “Hmmm, wonder how Acanthia and Even would do in something like that.” And THAT got me to thinking about my other toons, and various events, and… well, this post is the result.

Team Thelanis


Acanthia (halfling monk): You might think monks would be naturals for sports like judo – and Acanthia would probably be able to kick some butt there. But she’d really shine in track & field, what with her monk speed and mad jump skillz. I’m not sure whether her Abundant Step would be considered within the rules or not, though, and she might need an occasional reminder that even though she just unlocked Everything is Nothing, using it on opponents would probably be frowned upon.


Evennote (human pally): Poor Even. She’s slow, she can’t jump, her balance skill is minimal at best. And she sucks at swimming too. Let’s face it, “world-class athlete” and “DoS III paladin” are kind of mutually exclusive. But would she sit home during the Games? Heck no! Even would be Spectator-In-Chief, going to as many events as she possibly could to cheer everybody else on. She’d root for her home country, of course, but would also applaud vigorously for everyone else, ’cause that’s what the Olympics should be about.


Victaurya (elf rogue): Sure, she can pick locks and disable traps with the best of them, but very few Olympic sports utilize rogue skills. There’s a lot more to Vic than just being a trapmonkey, though. As an Olympian, she’d put the aiming skills she’s developed with her trusty repeater to good use as a skeet shooter. Her keen eye and steady hands would spell certain doom for those poor unsuspecting little clay discs. The biggest problem she’d have is getting the red clay dust out of her hair.


Jalliria (Drow elf cleric): Like Even, Jall isn’t exactly the athletic type. But she does have pretty good upper body strength from throwing out all those blade barriers and mass heals, and she’s learned to be loud so she can be heard saying, “Gather on me for buffs!” over the din of multiple “hjeal me NAOs!” As an Olympian, she’d be the coxswain for her country’s eight-woman sculling squad. That would be Jall, sitting in the aft and calling out, “Row! Row! Row!” Or whatever it is that coxswains yell…


Discordette (Drow elf bard): Just look at Dissy. She’s cute. She’s fashionable. She loves music and pretty things. What event would suit her more than rhythmic gymnastics? She could even set her gymnastic routines to her own bard songs for more originality. She’d be right in her element pirouetting across the floor with one of those long swirly ribbons trailing behind her. And winning a medal or two would give her a great excuse to go shopping for some new outfits to match.


Chartreusia (elf ranger): You’re probably thinking, “Oh look, an arcane archer. Obviously she’d compete in archery.” Well, maybe not. While Char could probably do quite well by picking up her bow and joining the archery squad, I think she’d actually prefer to be on the Eberron Olympic fencing team. She’s not half bad with her dual scimis (OK, they’d probably only let her use one of them at a time), and she’d likely be pretty good at dodging touches what with her high Dexterity score. En garde!


Chalei (half-elf sorceror): Unfortunately for Chalei (pronounced “Shall-EYE,” as in, “Shall I nuke all these trolls so we can get to the loot faster?), there are no Olympic sports that require the use of a Firewall spell. In fact, I’d bet that there are no sports that even PERMIT Firewall. So how does a fire savant manage to keep her cool throughout the Games? Why, she competes in diving, of course. A long plunge off a high board into a deep pool of water is just the thing for keeping the heat down.


Merenwynne (elf Favored Soul): Since I’ve been completely making up Meren’s build as I go along, she’s good at a number of things but not great at anything in particular. That makes Modern Pentathlon right up her alley. A little shooting, a little fencing, a little running and a little swimming, plus she gets to hop on a horse and do some show jumping. She’d probably be a long shot for a medal, but with all those events, at least there’d be one or two where she wouldn’t finish dead last.


Winnabette (warforged Favored Soul): Winnie is even bigger and slower and clunkier than Even – and that’s saying something. So she wouldn’t go for anything with running or jumping, and definitely no aquatics – too much danger of rusting! Winnie is quite strong, though – well, she’d have to be from hefting her big ol’ greatsword all the time. She’d go out for the women’s weightlifting team. And just think – since she’s a Favored Soul, she could serve as the team doctor as well. Everybody wins!


Zak (Drow elf wizard): Zak is my kindasorta sekrit toon, although for reasons I won’t get into, I don’t really need a “sekrit” toon so much any more. As a Pale Master-in-training, he’s elegant and refined and definitely not into contact sports. Nope, our Zak would get himself a nice horse and compete in dressage, which is about as refined and elegant and non-contact as you can get. As a PM-to-be, poor scores wouldn’t even faze him – heck, they’d encourage him, because he’s healed by negative energy!

Team Cannith


Tirae (halfling monk): Yep, another monk! Tirae started life as a dark monk, but decided she really preferred the path of light. The “gentle” martial arts are just her style. She’s a natural for judo, which is primarily conducted unarmed so she wouldn’t even have to worry about becoming uncentered. And while “judo” means “gentle way,” she still gets to kick the living crap out of her opponents if she wants to (“Go Tirae! You can do it! Pretend the other guy is an Orthon!”).


Azida (dwarf ranger): Okay, so she’s a dorf – Azida longs to be slim and graceful and willowy. She’s very self-conscious and insecure about her appearance. Land sports only serve to make her look as ploddy and heavy as – well, a dwarf. But put her in water and she floats! She’d need a specially-made swimsuit (those things don’t usually come in XXXL), but she could really shine at synchronized swimming. She did consider joining Chalei on the diving team, but too many cannonballs made that a bad idea.


Yttriemme (warforged artificer): Yttsie was very glad to see women’s boxing added as an Olympic sport. Not only does she pack a mean punch, her rune arm is guaranteed to knock opponents on their butts. What, rune arms aren’t allowed in competition? YOU tell her that. I’m not telling her, or she might turn the dang thing on ME. I also haven’t worked up the nerve to tell her that her arti dog, Minni, probably won’t be allowed into the arena. Let her keep her delusions a bit longer.


Shenlie (human druid): With her strong affinity for animals, Shenlie would naturally look for events that included four-legged teammates. Olympic-wise, that’s pretty much equestrian. She’d saddle up and take to the three-day event, where her innate animal communication skills would help her and her horse shine at dressage, cross country and show jumping. Just keep an eye on her during the cross country phase so she doesn’t veer off course to go bird-watching or something.


Holdinn (halfling cleric): Talk about gimped – when I rolled up Holdinn, I was trying to avoid making some of the mistakes I made with Jall, like putting too many points into Strength and not enough into Charisma. But I went overboard and gave him just 6 Strength, so he’s burdened all the time. He needs a sport with minimal equipment. I think he’d be great at table tennis; nothing to carry but a light racket, also good for bashing opponents over the head if they make fun of his hair.


Quiaga (half-orc fighter): Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Horc? Gotta be a boxer or a weightlifter, right? Wrong. Quiaga’s sport of choice is… beach volleyball. Because c’mon, deep down inside, you KNOW you really wanna see what a horc looks like under all that armor. Never mind that her bikini will be the size of the other competitors’ warm-up suits. Just remind her that spiking the ball is fine, but spiking her opponents is not – oh, and to watch out for getting her teeth caught in the net.


Syrmere (warforged wizard): It’s hard coming up with good sports for warforged. They’re just so non-athletic. But I think golf would be a good fit for Syrmere. She’s had a lot of practice aiming spells, so she should be able to aim a ball at that little cup pretty well. And she can ride around in a golf cart instead of having to walk everywhere. Plus she can sneak up on her opponents because she blends in with the grass. She does need to watch out for sand traps – sand in joints is a pain.

Team Sarlona


Ironica (human fighter/barbarian): Ironica’s a pretty versatile girl, even though she’s using a “disposable” favor farming build, so don’t underestimate her. At the Olympics, she’ll join Acanthia in the track & field venue, except while Acanthia competes in the track events, Ironica will be hurling discus and shot puts and javelins. That barb level of hers makes her good at throwing stuff around – don’t be surprised to see her on the podium sporting a medal. What color? Time will tell!


Vicriia (Drow elf wizard): Vicriia is small but powerful, and VERY smart. She’s not particularly athletic, but her high Intelligence score still gives her a place at the Olympics – as scorekeeper for gymnastics. That snafu when Aly Raisman wasn’t awarded the full score she should have gotten until her coach appealed? Wouldn’t have happened with Vicriia on the job. She’d have gotten it right the FIRST time and there would have been no doubt as to who should have gotten that bronze medal.

Team Orien


Vicynrae (Drow elf fighter/rogue): Yes, Vicynrae always looks a little pissed. And yes, in my early DDO days, I picked a lot of names that started with “Vic.” Maybe that’s why Vicynrae always looks so unhappy. She’d rather be unique. So she’d prefer a more individual as opposed to team sport. Even though she’d roll her eyes at the cute little white outfits, I think she’d be great at women’s tennis, and smacking that ball around should help her vent some of her frustrations.

Team Khyber


Badarsia (Drow elf barbarian): A Drow barb? What was I THINKING? But hey, she’s bad-arse – which is why her name is Badarsia. Sadly, at least from her point of view, roller derby is not an Olympic sport. But rugby IS, and Badarsia has the perfect combination of strength, speed and dexterity to be really good in a scrum. Rumors of her flying into rages and attempting to kick/claw/bite/maim opponents who get in her way are strictly hearsay, and she denies all of them… at least publicly.

Team Argonnessen


Caehlie (halfling monk): No, one CANNOT ever have too many halfling monks. Unlike Acanthia and Tirae, though, Caehlie is sweet and kind of ditzy. And unlike Vicynrae, Caehlie not only likes to be part of a team, she NEEDS her team members around to tell her what to do, ’cause otherwise she might forget. Despite her short halfling stature, she’s not half bad as a member of the women’s basketball team. She can sneak the ball through the legs of opponents and then leap over them for the score.

Team Ghallanda


Liai (halfling barbarian): I admit it – I rolled up a halfling barb just because I want to see what she looks like wielding a Greatclub of the Scrag, which is probably bigger than she is. Liai is tough and wiry and athletic, and she likes sports with an element of combat. Ergo, she’d be a star player on the women’s water polo roster (except she’d go with elastic or velcro for her chin strap and not that silly bow). Her signature move is bouncing the ball off an opponent’s head and into the goal.