Filkin’ around: Old Cannith Ruins

Some things should just not be. This is one of them.

I’d apologize to Barry Manilow, but why? This song just BEGS to be filked. I apologize to you instead, if you’re reading this, for getting the melody stuck in your head, but twisted though it is, this is my favorite of the filks I’ve done so far. So, set to the rockin’ music of “Copacabana,” here’s “Old Cannith Ruins.”

Her name was Kaja
She was a young girl
She always hung out by a crypt – if you ask me, that’s kinda sick
Her lover left to fight the Devourer
He hadn’t been back for a while ’cause those fish could drive him wild
While she searched near and far
It’s so peculiar
The fish people were gettin’ it on
With her lover Lars

In the Old Can, Old Cannith Ruins
I can’t believe what he was doin’
In the Old Can, Old Cannith Ruins
Townspeople talkin’ about the Sahuagin fetish Heyton
Had going on

His name was Lars and he was a pervert
Chasing a girl just half his age and catching fish in kinky ways
Even Amalgam couldn’t control him
He beat them off again this time and he liked it, that old slime
He had an urgent itch to have his way with fish
So he ran off to Korthos Island
Where he got his wish

In the Old Can, Old Cannith Ruins
I can’t believe what he was doin’
In the Old Can, Old Cannith Ruins
Townspeople talkin’ about the Sahuagin fetish Heyton
Had going on

Her name is Kaja
She’s all alone now
‘Cause Heyton spent every day re-reading “Fifty Scales of Grey”
Till he got caught with some underage fish
That was the end for Lars ’cause he got life behind those bars
Poor Kaja never knew he shagged Sahuagin dudes
Every man has his little secrets
What’s a girl to do?

In the Old Can, Old Cannith Ruins
I can’t believe what he was doin’
In the Old Can, Old Cannith Ruins
Townspeople talkin’ about the Sahuagin fetish Heyton
Had going on

I had to use a little imagination with the phrasing. But hey, that’s nothing compared to the kind of sick, twisted imagination it took to come up with this.