Filkin’ around: Don’t Trust Your Hirelings


First it was “99 Mad Kobolds.” Next came “They Can Dance.” And then, with no small trepidation, since it’s territory already covered by the Grandmaster of Filk, Weird Al Yankovic, I took on “Beat It,” which became “Keep It.”

I should’ve stopped there, but I had this idea. Unfortunately for my fellow fans of bad 80’s music, I mangled the Bangles. To the tune of “Walk Like an Egyptian,” I give you… “Don’t Trust Your Hirelings.”

Post your LFM, then you wait
‘Cause healers are so hard to find
Party’s slow to fill (oh-way-oh)
Your ship buffs are running low on time

All the merc vendors in House K
Are happy to trade for your plat
Hired hands they sell (oh-way-oh)
From noob right on up to level cap

All the vets with cosmetic pets say
Ay-oh-way-oh, ay-oh-way-oh
Don’t trust your hirelings

Rent-a-clerics take their sweet time
To heal ’cause they’re just NPCs
They waste SP fast (oh-way-oh)
And then they get stuck in a tree

They’ll stand in the blades and not move
Their hit points fall, then you hear the ding
Wish they’d get a clue (oh-way-oh)
They’re dyin’ ’cause they’re dumb hirelings

Arti dogs and even trogs say
Ay-oh-way-oh, ay-oh-way-oh
Don’t trust your hirelings

{replace whistling with “ding” sounds}

Switch their mode thinking that’ll help
Active to passive, then put ’em back
But it does no good (oh-way-oh)
They still stand right in the sonic trap

All your Turbine points went to buy
That Gold Seal who blew the trap box up
Another bonus gone (oh-way-oh)
He can’t even save his own damn butt

Not much else to do once they’re dead
‘Cept grab their stone, run like anything
Retreat to the shrine (oh-way-oh)
In time to rez your dead hirelings

All the monks and the barbs and clonks say
Ay-oh-way-oh, ay-oh-way-oh
Don’t trust your hirelings
Don’t trust your hirelings

Somebody stop me, please – I’m already working on another one. No, I didn’t take ComicRelief‘s suggestion to filk Frank Zappa’s “Call Any Vegetable” (maybe someday, but I really prefer to work with songs I know well so I can tell how well the words fit the melody). I’ll just say that it involves a well-known Eberron couple, and if I get it done and posted, you may never forgive me for getting the song stuck in your head.

10 thoughts on “Filkin’ around: Don’t Trust Your Hirelings

  1. xenobias

    How about taking on ‘Fruit Salad’ by the wiggles? My daughter loved them at ages 4 and 5.

    Fruit salad…yummy yummy…




  2. Shindurza

    All your Filk’s are belong to us. You must keep them coming. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is futile.


  3. Spencerian


    They’re never going to heal you up
    Never going to curse you down
    Ever going to run around and desert you
    Ever going to make you cry
    Even going to say goodbye
    Ever going to tell a lie and hurt you



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