Even Now

Funz and failz in DDO

Fun for ALL III: Reality check November 6, 2013

Evennote

 

I’m not sure anyone will really want to read this post. I’m not sure I even want to write it. Not that anyone wants to read any of my posts; I’m not nearly conceited enough to think anyone will be overcome with despair if I don’t post at regular intervals and fill them in on every last piddling detail of everything that every one of my toons has been doing. But I digress.

 

And I might digress a lot during this post, because there’s a LOT going on in this empty shell I call my head. I’m relieved. I’m hurt. I’m frustrated. I’m nervous. I’m confused. I’m anxious. I’m overwhelmed. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m dealing with so much stuff right now, in and out of DDO.

 

See, stuff happens. It happens in DDO; it happens in real life. Most of what I’m going through right now is real life, and I’m freaking sick and tired of people who just cannot get it through their thick arrogant heads that NO. Some of us DO NOT freaking spend EVERY damn minute of EVERY damn day focused on DDO and how to rub in everyone’s faces how very über we are. I know there are people who put DDO ahead of “real life” things. I don’t have a problem with that; it’s a matter of personal preference. But don’t be all arrogant and condescending to me because I don’t make DDO my top priority.

 

I tend to be a pretty private person online except with people I know well and like. Even has a Gmail for DDO-related stuff. I try to check that every day in case someone has questions or concerns about OurDDO. The people I talk to on a regular basis outside of DDO have my “real” E-mail, Facebook and/or AIM. I don’t have time to spend checking messages in multiple places, so if someone sends me a message anywhere that’s not Even’s Gmail, my “real” E-mail, Facebook, or AIM, chances are I’m not going to see it. I have been called “rude and ignorant” on my OWN DAMN BLOG for this. Personally, I think “rude and ignorant” is expecting me to take time away from the non-DDO things I prioritize to cater to someone else’s whims as far as which messages I should be checking and when I should be checking them. When I didn’t cave to the bullying and become a minion, I got more crap… but I’m not going to apologize for that.

 

Anyway. I digress again. Being a mostly pretty private person, I don’t tend to share all the little details of my personal life online. Sharing the little stuff makes no sense to me – does anyone really need to know if my nose is stuffy or I stubbed my toe or that I had chicken for dinner? And most of the time, I prefer to keep the big stuff to myself. But. Today my emotions are getting the better of me. I should be pouring all this into my NaNoWriMo novel, but that’s going in a totally different direction. So, to all you egolitists out there…

 

I have a REAL LIFE. Like it or not – and I know you don’t, and I don’t give a flying fig that you don’t – I value my real life more than I value you. If you want to insult me and spread crap about me because I won’t bow down to your überness – screw you. Go bully someone else.

 

My father is in the hospital right now recovering from surgery. Yesterday he lost a half a rib, a goodly chunk of lung and a  number of lymph nodes in what will hopefully turn out to be a successful attempt to remove his lung cancer. Doctors found the tumor back at the beginning of May while treating him for a mild heart attack. He’s spent the past NEARLY SIX MONTHS being shuffled from doctor to doctor, being tested for all kinds of things and given all kinds of conflicting diagnoses, but until yesterday nothing had been done to actually TREAT him. In those months, the tumor grew from the size of a walnut to the size of a golf ball.

 

So far he seems to be doing well. I’m realistic; he’s 73 years old, is severely diabetic and requires an insulin pump, has had several heart attacks, and has already survived colon cancer. But I’m also trying to be optimistic.

 

So how does this rant relate to DDO?

 

DDO is my escape. It’s where I go to NOT think about the stressful things in my real life. Most of the time I think I’m a competent player.

 

But even though I’m often in DDO to “forget” real life, reality still creeps in. Sometimes this means I’m playing DDO, but I’m not completely focused on DDO. Late nights when things quiet down and I’m getting tired is usually when it’s worst. Vey has probably seen that the most; sometimes it seems like I’m always apologizing to him for being brain-dead. But thank heaven for friends like Vey, Baz, Ninja, Abs – I’m going to stop there because I’m not running on all cylinders right now, and I don’t want to leave anyone out – for them and the others who still invite me to run with them, or even INSIST that I run with them, and never give me a hard time when I’m not “all there.” In fact, they make a point of telling me the things I’m doing RIGHT. And that means that when I need to escape real life for a little while, I know I can head for DDO and lose myself there.

 

It’s certainly been eye-opening for me, seeing who really has my back, who’s just a good questing buddy, who doesn’t give a crap about me as long as I bring in some renown and lead a raid when they want me to. I have a lot to think over right now and figure out what I want to do and where I want to go.

 

I’m not going to apologize, EVER, for valuing real life above DDO. Nor will I apologize for speaking my mind and saying things that are true. I DO apologize for the rambling, disjointed nature of this post. Staying focused isn’t my strong point right now.

 

And speaking of points… I do have one. The next time some egolitist is about to start yelling at someone for making a mistake, or not obeying orders, or for just being a fallible human, I’d like to hope they’d stop and think, “Hey. Nobody’s perfect. That person could just be having an off day. Maybe I’ll just deal with it and move on instead of going on a rant about ‘stupid ppl’ wiping my parties.”

 

Yeah, well, it’s a nice thought.

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8 Responses to “Fun for ALL III: Reality check”

  1. Keavaa Says:

    Applause to you for speaking out and (hugs) for the real life stuff that you’re dealing with. You have your priorities spot on and no need to ever apologise for being an individual with feelings and emotions. Those ubers can take a hike and go die in a corner all alone when the time comes.

    To those who have chosen to make DDO your number 1 priority, you have my pity.

    DDO is a game, its entertainment, its an escape as you’ve said. In a sense its also tool to help cope with stuff, give your brain a rest. I can empathise with that I can assure you. Having laid awake all night for 7 hours worried about stuff that I can’t control takes a very heavy toll. When a tool like that though doesn’t help or in some cases makes things worse, unfortunately you can end up re-evaluating things whether you really want to or not.

    I own you an email and soon as I see my way clear of crap on my end, I’ll be in touch. Until then, stay strong and keep smiling as much as you can muster. (hugs)

  2. grimorde Says:

    1st – and most importantly – sorry about your dad. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    2nd as Keava said, yes DDO is a great escape mechanism. For me certainly. A way of disconnecting from real life crap. But I do have a real life. Some people don’t seem to :-/

    3rd screw the people who give you a hard time. I can admit there are times people have said things that have made me furious but you know what? Those people are just not worth the effort. There are more important things :) Surround yourself with friends, who are looking out for you – ignore the rest

    Take care!

  3. teachersyn Says:

    I know exactly how you feel.

    I started to play DDO full-time in mid-2010. I was months away from my big fat Catholic wedding. My mother also had advanced lung cancer and it seemed that she was resigned to her fate.

    By late September, I did manage to help my mom complete her initiation sacraments to become a Catholic, as her mom was before me. On October 24, 2010, three days before my mother’s 70th birthday (one that she shared with her future daughter-in-law, my fiancee) and two weeks before the wedding, my mother passed on.

    DDO was my escape from both stressful things. I’m not an inherently social person, so the game’s myriad of detail kept my mind’s idle time between planning the wedding and my mother’s passing from overcoming me. I might have played too much. But it was helpful.

    Today’s my 3rd wedding anniversary. It proceeds before my wife’s and mom’s birthday and I remember my past and welcome my future.

    I will keep you and your family in my prayer intentions this week. Don’t let others get you down, for they don’t understand and, sadly, often won’t give time to care. Stay close to those who keep you up and take the time–like us!

  4. Syynful Nytes Says:

    Hey Geoff,

    I hope things get better with your father. If you ever are looking to run some low stress quests on Thelanis in the 4-20 range, let me know.

    • EvenNote Says:

      @Keava: KEAVA! *hugs* Thank you… and no worries on the E-mail, I’m notoriously awful in that department. Not sure how much I’m going to be in DDO, or online at all, for at least the next few days – hospital’s two hours away, the wifi there is appalling, and when I’m home, it’s to get stuff done so I can go back down. But we’ll catch each other up soon. :)

      @Grim: Thank you! :) I wondered how much I’d regret making that post… and it turns out, not at all. In fact, I feel better for having vented that stuff. Guess I’ve just dealt with a few too many egolitists and fake friends lately, and their petty crap compared to what else was going on touched my last nerve. Also, the slider looks AMAZING! :)

      @Spence: I’m so sorry about your mother. That must have been an incredibly difficult time for you. I’m glad you had DDO as a release, and very glad you’re part of our little community here. And congratulations on your anniversary! :)

      @Syyn: Um, I’m Even, not Geoff, LOL. I do have eight toons on Thelanis between levels 11 and 18 who would all be happy to run stuff with you. Just leave me a note here or send it to Gmail – my username there is Evennote. :)

      And to update – I’m home at the moment, need to get a few things done around the house and do some shopping for Mom, then heading back down to Hershey this afternoon. I think Mom is coming back with me; she needs a break from the hospital. Dad is overall doing as well as could reasonably be hoped for, although he’s having a tough time today because his blood sugar is skyrocketing and they haven’t been able to figure out why or to get it to come down. But if that’s the biggest complication he has from all this, I won’t complain.

  5. erdrique Says:

    Hey Even, I’m so sorry you are going through all of those trials. Having the big C invade your family is always a tough and stressful time. You are completely right, there is absolutely nothing wrong with actually having a real, personnel life. DDO isn’t the center of the world and as others said it is just a form of entertainment. If some of the players who have caused issues don’t understand that, then that is there problem!!

    I wish you and your family well and hope your father recovers!!

  6. Empress Mizzaroo Says:

    I hope everything gets better with your father! If I can get some late nights, I’ll try hopping on to play or at least talk with you! :) we all know how fun talking to me is!

    And I’m always uber(in my head). I’m just not stuck up about it(even though I’m better than everyone). ;) heeheehee

  7. Syynful Nytes Says:

    I’m sorry.

    I was at my son’s neurology appointment this morning when I read your post. Might not have been the best time to skim and reply. But the offer stands, let me know if you are in need of some low pressure gaming.


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